A wise frog once said:
Rainbows are visions
but only illusions
and rainbows have nothing to hide
An equally wise bear once said:
Wocka, wocka!
Somewhere between these two quotes lies the magic of the Muppets.
The Muppets, the troupe of musical felted friends created by Jim Henson, is one of those rare institutions that continuously finds cultural relevance. Equally silly, satirical, and sentimental, the Muppets’ road to stardom started as humbly as any other traveling show: making their way through the late-night circuit before landing their own series, aptly titled The Muppet Show. However it wasn’t until 1979, when The Muppet Movie came out, that the Muppets became a household name, and until recently many people associated the Muppets primarily with their feature films and television specials. However, with the entirety of The Muppet Show now released on Disney+, fans are rediscovering the original magic all over again, not to mention the grotesquely catchy theme song.
In honor of The Muppet Show’s Disney+ debut, naturally we’ve decided to pit the Muppet characters against one another in this definitive ranking. To make things simple, the characters in this list will only comprise of characters who appear in the Muppets franchise (no Fraggle Rock, Dinosaurs, or Sesame Street characters) and who came about under the creative direction of Jim Henson (sorry Walter, Bobo, and Pepe the King Prawn). This list is also by no means exhaustive, these are simply the Muppets without whom the show would not go on.
28. Link Hogthrob
Talent: 1/10
Looks: 0/10
Personality: 0/10
TOTAL: 1
Link Hogthrob is a male chauvinist pig. Literally.
27. Crazy Harry
Talent: 2/10
Looks: 0/10
Personality: 0/10
TOTAL: 2
Crazy Harry is billed a pyrotechnician, but, considering his success rate, I think he’s more just a Muppet with a solid dynamite hookup. He does get some points for looking exactly how a Muppet named Crazy Harry should look.
26. Lips
Talent: 3/10
Looks: 1/10
Personality: 0/10
TOTAL: 4
Lips is the most forgettable member of the Electric Mayhem. Literally. They’ve forgotten to include him in several appearances over the years. When he is there he doesn’t really speak and his most discernible feature is his eyes that turn inward when blowing his trumpet. Poor Lips, but the Electric Mayhem rocks just as hard without him.
25. Lew Zealand
Talent: 4/10
Looks: 1/10
Personality: 1/10
TOTAL: 6
This guy’s whole thing is that he can throw a fish and it WILL come back to him. Other than that, he looks like a coked-out Ernie and doesn’t exactly have a myriad of other personality traits. But again, the Muppet mastered the physics of boomeranging literal fish. That cannot be overstated.
24. Robin the Frog
Talent: 1/10
Looks: 4/10
Personality: 2/10
TOTAL: 7
Nepotism is alive and well in Hollywood, and the Muppets are no exception. Sure, Robin, Kermit’s nephew, is a cute kid — but would he have the talent, the stage presence, the X factor to truly be a Muppet if he didn’t have a famous frog for an uncle? Don’t make me laugh.
23. Rizzo the Rat
Talent: 3/10
Looks: 1/10
Personality: 4/10
TOTAL: 8
Rizzo the Rat’s entire personality is being a sarcastic New Yorker. It’s annoying in Hinge dates, and it’s annoying in Muppets. But occasionally he’ll get a joke in that really gets you, or one of the best scenes in Muppets Take Manhattan.
22. Clifford
Talent: 4/10
Looks: 4/10
Personality: 2/10
TOTAL: 10
Clifford is a cool, catfish-looking Muppet who did fine as the host of Muppets Tonight, but never really found his place among the rest of the Muppets crew. According to Disney UK, he “went back to his roots as a bass guitarist and supplements his income as a male model.” Good for him.
21. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Talent: 5/10
Looks: 5/10
Personality: 2/10
TOTAL: 12
I’ll say it: Bunsen Honeydew is kind of a monster of a Muppet. People trust him because he looks like a scientist and also a honeydew, but his experiments are constantly leading to the pain and suffering of his assistant, Beaker! A classic example of how male-coded Muppets who look like honeydews just keep failing upward. Tragic.
20. Camilla the Chicken
Talent: 3/10
Looks: 5/10
Personality: 5/10
TOTAL: 13
Camilla the Chicken is the original ride-or-die. She sticks by her man (or whatever Gonzo is) even though he cannot tell her apart from other chickens. She’s also always able to bust out many talents to support whatever scheme Gonzo is pulling. Plus, she has pretty eyelashes to make sure you know she is a girl chicken.
19. Beaker
Talent: 5/10
Looks: 4/10
Personality: 5/10
TOTAL: 14
Beaker is the true Muppet of Science on this list! According to the Muppet Wiki, Beaker has been “… shrunk, cloned, punched, deflated, zapped, turned invisible, and blown up” in pursuit of scientific truth. And still, he returns to the lab to “meep meep” another day.
18. Zoot
Talent: 7/10
Looks: 5/10
Personality: 4/10
TOTAL: 16
Zoot, the sax player for the Electric Mayhem, is more of a Muppet than meets the eye. He doesn’t speak much, choosing to mostly express himself through the sax. He might also canonically be both Jewish and homeless, so, a lot to unpack there. Overall, great riffs and great shades.
17. Scooter
Talent: 5/10
Looks: 6/10
Personality: 7/10
TOTAL: 18
Scooter is probably the most middling Muppet on our list, hence his spot near the middle. That’s not a bad thing — as the Muppet Theater stage gofer, and later the Electric Mayhem’s road manager, Scooter shines in supporting roles. And while he also weaseled his way into the Muppets due to nepotism (his uncle owns the Muppet Theater), Scooter puts in the work to earn his place.
16. Uncle Deadly
Talent: 8/10
Looks: 8/10
Personality: 3/10
TOTAL: 19
Uncle Deadly’s shtick is somewhat hard to discern. In The Muppet Show he plays a washed-up actor of yesteryear who kind of haunts the Muppet Theater, but honestly it’s more of a halfhearted lurk. Mostly he ranks as high as he does because he looks goth as hell, and carries a vague professional bitterness that is very relatable.
15. Sam the Eagle
Talent: 1/10
Looks: 15/10
Personality: 3/10
TOTAL: 19
Sam the Eagle is the only hot Republican. I will not be taking questions.
14. Floyd Pepper
Talent: 10/10
Looks: 5/10
Personality: 5/10
TOTAL: 20
Floyd Pepper plays the bass, dates the impossibly cool Janice, and has purple eyebrows. He is everything you could want from a Muppet, nothing more, nothing less.
13. Beauregard
Talent: 4/10
Looks: 8/10
Personality: 8/10
TOTAL: 20
Beauregard is the Muppet Theater’s devoted strongman custodian who, while not a natural performer himself, does fill in for small roles in The Muppet Show sketches and in the subsequent films. He kinda has whatever the Muppet version of a dad bod is — which, along with a no-thoughts-just-vibes himbo personality, makes him a solid addition to the Muppets crew.
12. The Swedish Chef
Talent: 9/10
Looks: 4/10
Personality: 7/10
TOTAL: 20
In a lot of ways, the Swedish Chef is a visionary … in many other ways, he is a sociopath whose twisted mind keeps coming up with ways to kill small animals live on air. “Bork bork bork,” indeed.
11. Janice
Talent: 7/10
Looks: 8/10
Personality: 6/10
TOTAL: 21
If vibes were a Muppet, they’d be Janice. She is easily the most versatile member of the Electric Mayhem, playing the guitar, trumpet, and tambourine. And just look at her! You know she was microdosing molly before it was cool, fer suuuure.
10. Statler
Talent: 8/10
Looks: 6/10
Personality: 8/10
TOTAL: 22
Waldorf & Statler embody that delicious feeling when you and your best friend get into the groove of ruthlessly dunking on someone or something you both mutually hate. These two just get it.
9. Waldorf
Talent: 8/10
Looks: 7/10
Personality: 8/10
TOTAL: 23
Everything I said about Statler also applies to Waldorf, but Waldorf is slightly hotter. I WILL NOT BE TAKING QUESTIONS.
8. Sweetums
Talent: 3/10
Looks: 10/10
Personality: 10/10
TOTAL: 23
JUSTICE FOR SWEETUMS!!! Sure, Sweetums has very little discernible talent but that’s only because he is tragically underutilized. Plus, it’s scientifically proven that if your heart doesn’t break watching him run after the car in The Muppets Movie, you were not held enough as a baby. Sweetums is meant to be with the Muppets, if only the Muppets realized how lucky they are to have him.
7. Dr. Teeth
Talent: 10/10
Looks: 8/10
Personality: 6/10
TOTAL: 24
Hey, it’s called Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem for a reason. This guy’s gravelly voice and keyboard skills puts the band over the top in terms of both electricity and mayhem. It’s also fair to say that considering just how musical the Muppets are, they wouldn’t be the same without the signature sound Dr. Teeth and his band bring to the table. Plus look at this guy’s style, has anyone looked more natural onstage with Sir Elton himself?
6. Animal
Talent: 10/10
Looks: 7/10
Personality: 7/10
TOTAL: 24
Animal is the wild card of Muppets — and like many wild cards, he’s great at drums and bad at respecting women. But before I get accused of trying to cancel a Muppet, I’d like to point out that in recent years Animal’s “WO-MAN”-chasing ways have been channeled into a deep affection for his bunny. Just goes to show that the greatest of Muppets is always capable of growth, while still maintaining solid wild-card status.
5. Kermit the Frog
Talent: 10/10
Looks: 7/10
Personality: 9/10
TOTAL: 26
Look, the Muppets wouldn’t be the Muppets without Kermit. He’s ostensibly the show’s leader, straight man, and moral center. All that pressure is enough to make any Muppet a little bit emo, and Kermit is no exception. His most popular songs are essentially him pining about rainbows, or being green, or pictures in his head. All of which are beautiful symphonies that speak to the most frigid-hearted among us, myself included. But sometimes I just can’t help thinking, If this frog does that stupid Jim Halpert face to the camera one more time, I’m gonna drop-kick him back to the swamp. And hey, that’s probably an angrier reaction than is strictly warranted, but Kermit also knows a thing or two about anger, because his outbursts have led to some of the funniest moments in the Muppets Cinematic Universe. All I’m saying is, if it’s really not that easy bein’ green, maybe it’s time to look into some therapy, Kerm.
4. Fozzie Bear
Talent: 7/10
Looks: 10/10
Personality: 10/10
TOTAL: 27
If you’re lucky, you have a friend in your life like Fozzie Bear. Sure, it’s hard to watch him fail so spectacularly at the one thing he loves more than anything else on earth. But it’s worth it when you realize that his real talent is believing in his friends just as much as he believes in himself. No one does sentimentality better than the Foz, while keeping the self-pity to a minimum (cough, cough KERMIT cough, cough). And say what you will about his jokes, but no other Muppet can pull off scarves AND polka dots with this bear’s flair.
3. Gonzo
Talent: 8/10
Looks: 10/10
Personality: 10/10
TOTAL: 28
As far as Muppets go, none have the range like Gonzo. One minute he’s pursuing his ridiculous dream of stuntsmanship, and another he’s wrestling with his unknown identity. The latter would go on to inspire a starring role in Muppets in Space, and before that, the song “I’m Going to Go Back There Someday,” which some experts believe rivals “Rainbow Connection” as the Muppets most poignant song. Many have also pointed out how Gonzo’s story line deeply resonates with queer kids in particular, perhaps to the point of inspiring some signature style. Yet no matter how you identify, it is plain to see how Gonzo brings the humanity back to the Muppets, as only an alien Muppet could.
2. Rowlf the Dog
Talent: 10/10
Looks: 9/10
Personality: 10/10
TOTAL: 29
The Muppets can sometimes get tangled up in their special brand of chaos. When that happens, it takes a special Muppet to bring the heart back to front and center.
Enter Rowlf the Dog.
There’s a lot to love about Rowlf — his deadpan jokes, his soulful piano skills — but it’s something else that really gives Rowlf his shining status as a Muppet. It could be that, according to some, Rowlf was the closest expression of Jim Henson’s personality. But really, I think it’s that Rowlf always appears when the craziness begins to become a little too much, and you just need a moment with a friend — just like any good dog.
1. Miss Piggy
Talent: 10/10
Looks: 10/10
Personality: 10/10
TOTAL: 30
I hate to get all Judith Butler-y in what is essentially “30 of the Disney Corporation’s Legal Properties, Ranked,” but the Muppets have a serious gender issue. On this list of 30 Muppets, only three of them are coded as femme/female. One of those is Camilla, a mostly voiceless character whose role begins and ends as the girlfriend of a Muppet who cannot distinguish her from other chickens. The other, Janice, has never been given any major story lines in the original show or feature films (her role was briefly expanded in the 2015 TV show The Muppets, only for the series to be canceled after one season).
And then there is Miss Piggy.
In what has turned out to be the ultimate boys’ club, Miss Piggy has clawed her way to the top using everything in her holster at her disposal. Whether it’s her acting chops or karate chops is beside the point — Miss Piggy perfectly embodies the scrappiness, humor, and talent that defines the Muppets. Still, many don’t perceive her as having the same tenderness as the rest of the Muppets, and so choose to see her as a character played for laughs. But anyone who has struggled to carve out a space for themselves in a world not meant for them sees Miss Piggy for who she truly is, not to mention what the Muppets is all about.
