UK Edition
How should we tell our kids about sex? The 6 dos and don'ts of *that* chat
Many parents dread the moment their children ask them about the birds and the bees. We get all, you know, awkward, having to talk about, you know, that with our offspring. Some are prepared, with an informative book to thrust at their child the moment the question comes.
Others panic and freeze, or fob them off with well-meaning nonsense. Then there are those who are brutally honest: the ones who give it to ‘em straight.
The Mumsnet user who provoked collective gasps of horror when she posted details of a sex-related conversation with her 12-year-old son this week sits firmly in the latter group.
In the parenting forum’s Am I Being Unreasonable discussion thread, a user by the name of Bestoutofthree wondered whether she was being unreasonable to feel “mortified” when her child asked her how often she and his father have sex.
“Once or twice a week I guess,” she had told him. Needless to say, her son instantly regretted having asked, and she regretted having answered.
But ask questions our children will. So how should we answer? Here are the dos and dont’s.
DO be honest (within reason)
“If your child is asking questions about sex, they're ready for truthful answers,” says the NHS guide How to talk to your children about sex. But truthful need not mean giving them every single detail - it will likely leave them feeling confused and you will, most likely, be embarrassed. As the guide advises, “Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.”
DON’T avoid the question
If your kids don’t get the answers from you, they’ll get them in the playground or online, and what they hear is unlikely to be accurate in the case of the former, or appropriate in the case of the latter. Plus, there is evidence suggesting children whose parents discuss sex frankly become sexually active later than their peers and are more likely to use contraception.
DO mention puberty
A girl I knew fainted when she first learned about puberty at school, such a shock was the concept to her. Don’t be the parent of that daughter. Talk to her before she’s 10, so the discussion comes ahead of time. Boys, the NHS advises, should be made aware of what to expect before they are 12.
DON’T let them see you’re squirming
Yes, these chats can be uncomfortable, but the more relaxed you are – or seem – about it, the more normal it will seem for your child. As the Babycenter website says, “Each time you successfully tackle a sensitive topic, the anxiety level (for both of you) goes down. If you avoid these talks, your child won't learn your values about sex, but will develop her own from what she gleans from friends and the media.”
DO use books to help
Pictures, diagrams, simple descriptions – they can sometimes put it better than you can. Try Birds, Bees and Chickens by Mike Shelly for young children, or Usborne Facts of Life: Growing Up for older children. These are just two of the many titles available to anyone wondering quite how to satisfy their kids’ natural curiosity.
DON’T feel obliged to answer personal questions
How many people you’ve slept with; how often you do it; positions...that’s your business. There’s a balance to be struck between being truthful and informative on the one hand and sharing intimate details that your child may - like the Mumsnet user’s son - swiftly wish they’d never learned.
“That’s between me and your mum/dad” seems like a reasonable answer if these are questions you wish to swerve. If they currently don’t get why you’re being so coy, they will once they grow a little older.