Chloe* was scrolling through TikTok when a video stopped her in her tracks. The sound was taken from Demi Lovato’s new single “29” in which the singer croons “thought it was a teenage dream, just a fantasy, but was it yours or was it mine? 17. 29.” Chloe watched the videos over and over, crying and letting her own experience of dating a 25 year old when she was just 16, return to her.
Lovato’s “29” has emerged on TikTok as an anthem for women and girls to share their experiences of being in relationships with older men. Though Lovato has not confirmed the inspiration for the song, fans speculate that it’s about Wilmer Valderrama, who Lovato met when she was 17 and he was 29 (she has previously said they didn’t start dating until she was 18). The pair dated on and off for six years. (A rep for Valderrama declined to comment for this article.) TikTok users are setting the sound to pictures of themselves and the men who they say targeted them for what they now see as age-inappropriate relationships, and Demi Lovato has responded with their own TikTok saying they see everyone’s stories and wants them to know they are loved.
In the videos, some people describe grooming specifically, which RAINN defines as “manipulative behaviors that the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught.” Grooming often occurs with an adult predator and child or underage victim. Other videos describe relationships that may not technically fit the definition of grooming, but feel ethically wrong or, because of age, have an inherent power imbalance. Statistics on grooming and age-inappropriate relationships can be difficult to come by as consent laws vary from state-to-state and many relationships are not reported.
Scrolling through the videos is jarring, with pictures of baby-faced teenage girls contrasted with photos of grown men. But for the people who have taken part in the TikTok trend, they’ve found solace in the fact that they’re not alone.
Chloe says that, looking back from the vantage point of her mid-twenties, she sees the relationship as predatory. “But at the time, it didn’t feel that way,” she said. “It felt like I was special.” The relationship ended when Chloe’s parents found out about it but she says it’s hard to realize that she won’t ever see legal justice after convincing her parents not to press charges against the man. She wishes they hadn’t listened to her but says they were in the difficult position of trying to respect their daughter’s wishes and not cause more chaos in their small town.
Chloe made her own TikTok detailing her relationship with a person in his mid-twenties. It’s been viewed tens of thousands of times and she said the response has been healing. “I feel devastated and comforted both,” Chloe said. “Comforted because other people are in solidarity and devastated because they’ve been there too.”
Jessi Gold, MD, MS, an assistant professor and the director of wellness, engagement, and outreach in the Department of Psychiatry at Washington University, told Teen Vogue that talking about past trauma on social media can be cathartic.
“Conversations on social media around trauma are helpful because they help people feel seen, understood, and less alone,” Gold said. “It helps people know how to process if these things happen to you.”
If Chloe could go back to her teenage self, she said she would tell her this: you are not more emotionally mature than your peers. You are not different. There is a reason a grown man is pursuing a child and it’s because he can’t get a woman his own age. It’s not because you’re special and amazing. It’s because he is a predator.
While some relationships are clearly illegal, others are in a grey area — like for someone over the age of consent, but still a teen dating someone significantly older. These, Gold said, can be harmful because of consent and power.
“The danger is that if you’re younger and dating someone older, you tend to look up to them," she said. "There needs to be an awareness of power dynamics and consent.“
Speaking previously to Glamour about age gaps in relationships in general, Grace Huntley, LMHC, a therapist through the mental health platform Alma, said the power balance can be a sign that a relationship is inappropriate.
“A specific factor to consider is a power imbalance,” Huntley told Glamour. “This can occur when one person, due to their position in life, finances, or status, has undue power to control and influence the other person.” She also noted that patterns are important. “If someone has a history of consistently dating up against the age of consent, and if their partners have little in common besides that age, then there may be more to look into. Additionally, if the age of consent is being viewed more as a legal green flag than as legislation to prevent exploitation, this is a good sign that something else is amiss.”
Elizabeth’*s take on the TikTok trend details a relationship that began when she was 17 and a man in his late twenties pursued her. Elizabeth cries while describing what the song means to her, calling it “a song I can scream, that I can belt out, that can put my feelings and experience into words.” She hopes the tide is changing and that grooming and age-inappropriate relationships are being revealed for what they truly are, because when it happened to her, she was the subject of scorn. “People would make jokes like, ‘oh, he robbed the cradle.’ They would make jokes against me and my intelligence instead of pointing the finger at him and saying, you’re a predator, this is inappropriate.”
In the comments, people express solidarity and share their own experiences with age-gap relationships as teenagers. Some comments on these kinds of TikToks are succinct: “15. 28.” and some are lengthier, expressing gratitude to creators for sharing their stories. Other comments wonder where the creator’s parents were, pushing the blame onto someone other than the older person in the relationship.
Elizabeth can understand that — she used to wonder what took her so long to leave the relationship, too, before she realized that it wasn’t her fault she ended up stuck in it in the first place. But now, she says she sees it differently. “I spent so long being ashamed and not talking about it,” she said. “It’s overwhelming to know that I’m not alone and it happens to people and it’s not my fault.” She feels vulnerable sharing her story but if it helps another teenage girl understand their own experience, she says it’s worth it.
And even people who haven’t taken part in the TikTok trend have been comforted by listening to the song itself — one woman said Lovato’s lyric “17 would never cross my mind” was illuminating. “Now that I’m his age, I know I would never look at a teenager.”
*Indicates name has been changed for privacy.
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