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Key points
- Talking to your children about sex at an age-appropriate level is one of the best things that you can do to keep them safe.
- Research suggests that those children who discuss sexuality with their parents are more likely to delay the age of their first sexual experience.
- Children who have talked about sex with their parent(s) are more likely to report any unwanted sexual experiences to them.
Many people are still disturbed when they think of the “sex talk” they had with their parents in their adolescence.
There is a reason that the sex talk trope, as depicted in the movie American Pie, resonates with most adults today – talking about sex, especially with our parents, is uncomfortable.
Many parents will also tell you that it was no walk in the park for them either, and they probably felt equally uncomfortable broaching the topic.
However, as a sexual violence prevention researcher, I can tell you that talking to your children about sex at an age-appropriate level is one of the best things that you can do to keep them safe. While there is the fear that teaching your children about sex will make them engage in sex earlier – the opposite is true.
Research suggests that those children who discuss sexuality with their parents are more likely to delay the age of their first sexual experience. Further, discussion of healthy sexuality leads to increased body confidence and self-esteem, which are factors that protect individuals from being sexually abused.
Research on sexual grooming suggests that perpetrators choose victims who are more vulnerable, with low self-esteem being one of those vulnerabilities.
It should not be just one talk – it should be started as soon as your children understand language – at age-appropriate levels. For instance, when children are little, use correct anatomical names for their body parts.
One study found that children who knew the correct anatomical names for their body parts were less likely to be targeted by perpetrators because they thought the children had been talking to their parents about these issues and would be more likely to disclose the abuse. When your children are preschool age, the talk should include a discussion of private parts and that no one should be touching those parts.
As your children age, start talking about how babies are made and answer your children honestly when they ask questions. Children should be aware of how their bodies will change before they hit puberty, and the tween years are also an important time for discussions of consent and online safety. As your children enter the high school years, talk to them about parties, the dangers of alcohol, and have more explicit discussions of consent.
It is not easy for parents to talk to their children about these topics. But the best advice is to just do it. Your children get their cues from you, and if they sense you are uncomfortable, then they will be uncomfortable too – but if sex and sexual violence prevention are topics that you talk about in your family, they will be much more likely to come to you when they have questions or are in difficult situations.
They will also be more likely to report to you any unwanted sexual experiences they may have – which is also important as earlier disclosure and subsequent support are related to better mental health outcomes.
References
For more information, see: Jeglic, E.L., & Calkins, C.A. (2018). Protecting Your Child from Sexual Abuse: What you Need to Know to Keep your Kids Safe. New York: Skyhorse Publishing.
