‘Zardoz’ Is Cinematic Garbage, But That’s Why We Love It

Sean Connery may have just left us, but we’ve missed Sean for 17 years already, since he retired from acting on-screen back in 2003. And we miss him more than ever now that he’s no longer with us on Earth. We must take the time to cherish his life’s work and revisit it, warts and all. There’s plenty of good, but tons of awful (the absolute bottom of the bottom being The Avengers and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). Not sure how many agents he had throughout his career, but I hope Mr. Connery fired most of them.

Somewhere hovering right above where this awfulness in his oeuvre begins lies 1974’s Zardoz.

Zardoz is one of the worst movies ever made about the year 2293 (or perhaps any year in the future). It’s confusing. It’s dull. It somehow makes 107 minutes feel like 107,107,107 minutes. It makes no sense. It meanders. Never has a movie with a topless woman riding a horse ever been so unappealing.

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I once named it the #1 “Awful Movie I Kinda Sorta Vouch For“. I’ll still stand by that call, even if you go out and see it, hate it, and never want to speak to me ever again. It’s OK, we’re having a one way conversation, and I’ll love you no matter what.

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

So, how is Zardoz such a misfire with no flame? 

It was the project John Boorman (please check out his Point Blank) did after he won so much favor and acclaim with Deliverance! Apparently no studio wanted to make Zardoz, and after about 10 minutes of watching the film, it’s easy to see why. Oh Johnny, you just couldn’t deliver-ance the goods this time around. Mr. Boorman? More like what a BORE, man!!!

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

This was Sean Connery’s 2nd role after saying ‘never again’ to playing James Bond (which he later retracted when, in 1983, he starred in Never Say Never Again). Burt Reynolds was actually cast in the lead as Zed, and woulda looked perfect with his ‘stache in that bad future threads – but he pulled out due to illness and in stepped Sean who was having issues getting employed post-Bond.

Sure, Connery’s chest hair is on display for the entire film, and the way he says ‘Zardoz’ in his Scottish accent fills me with glee every single time I hear it, but watching him act his butt off in this pointless exercise, you start to feel pity for the man. He turned in his license to kill for a license to make us all feel ill. Be like Sean and cover your eyes!!!

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Oh, and Charlotte Rampling. You look so divine, you always have, but here, in your prime, just a waste of your time.

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

What’s with those schmatta headdresses??? Or those plastic bubbles? None of them work, but they were way ahead of the Flaming Lips on them!!

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Who can get behind a movie where guns are good, but the penis is evil? Or that the false god has a Van Dyke beard painted on with a sharpie?

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I would say that the film has pretty decent special effects for an early ’70s movie. Did you see that floating head???? How cool was that hologram projecting ring, or the thing where they project images on people’s bodies? How about that The Lady from Shanghai funhouse mirror stuff near the end, pretty nifty, eh??? Nice work by director of photography Geoffrey Unsworth (2001, Cabaret, Superman I & II)! I mean, I had to say something positive about the movie!

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

A LOT of thought was put into this movie. You can tell it’s art made by artists, but not all art is good art. Zardoz is dense, way too dense. It will make your head foggy just trying to take it all in. If someone attempted to write a synopsis of the film, their brain and eyes would spontaneously combust trying to unravel it’s heady intricacies about brutals and eternals and exterminators and vortexes and the tabernacle and green bread and things and stuff. But to what end? I’ve seen this movie maybe a handful of times and I STILL don’t even really know what it’s about or what to make of it. Not even Cliff and his Notes can be of service. It’s a struggle to sit through. It was probably a struggle to make. But it is no struggle to write about it. It’s poetic cinematic garbage, and you must be aware of it. It must be celebrated because it’s…  

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

There are a few times from the 20th century that make me wish I was born earlier – to have danced with flappers in the Jazz Age, to have shaken my tail feather during Beatlemania, and to have seen the trailer to 1974’s Zardoz in a movie theater.

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

You may have no interest in watching Zardoz, but PLEASE, tell me you’ve seen the trailer to Zardoz. It’s probably the greatest movie trailer ever made, and I’m not even trying to be hyperbolic. Bless you Pablo Ferro.

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I often try to picture in my head what must have been going through the audience’s heads when they saw that trailer play back on the big screen.  

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

“Whoa, is that a ponytailed, handlebarred mustached Sean Connery in a Hooters uniform with a bullet bandolier?”

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

“There’s something that’s beyond 1984 AND 2001 AND love AND death???”

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

“Wait, is Sean Connery trying to fool us into thinking that he’s actually ‘falling’ into that pyramid??? Somewhere Marcel Marceau must be crying mime tears!!’”

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Alas, I was born too late, and never got to see this trailer in a theater, and probably neither did you. If you did, let me treat you to a coffee cause I want to pick your (scarred) brain.

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I did however grow up in the area of VHSes and cruising down the aisles of the rental store, over and over in search of a hot title, new or classic, to make it truly a Blockbuster night. And there was one title I looked at on the shelf over and over, and could never make heads or tails about it. And that title, you guessed correctly, was…

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Looking at VHS box art was basically the closest I got to being in a ’70s movie theater seeing the trailer – and I still was like, WTF is that??? What kind of dystopian future turned James Bond into that???? Is he some sort of butcher space cowboy? Also, is Charlotte Rampling wearing a codpiece AND her nipple is peeking through her mesh top???

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I musta rented a zillion and a half VHS tapes in my K-12 life, but Zardoz never made the cut. I just couldn’t do it. Too much uncertainty. Too many ‘Z’s in a title. Too much chest hair to take in for someone who was not even old enough to vote yet.

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Flashforward to a new century, when a blessed cinephile friend introduced me to Zardoz on this brandspanking new technology called DVDs. My life would never be the same.  

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

There was my pre-Zardoz life, and then my post-Zardoz life. Not sure I am better for it, but here we are, writing about Zardoz, but not really writing about it. But you now know more about Zardoz than you did before you started reading this article. Probably not, but you’ve now at least seen the word Zardoz in print more time than human needs to see it in print.

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Oh, before we go, I’m sure you’re wondering where the word “Zardoz” came from, eh? Do you want me to spoil it for you? I feel like I should, and prevent you from watching this movie in its entirety.

Spoiler alert: this movie sucks. The writing is written right there in the trailer: “I’ve seen the future and it doesn’t work.”

I mean, real spoiler alert – chop off ‘Wi’ and ‘of’ from ‘Wizard of Oz‘ and you get…

ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Boom.

Long live Zardoz, the trailer.

And long live the greatness of Sean Connery…

Too soon?

Thighmaster is full time master of thighs, and editor-in-CHEF of ThighsWideShut.org, an organization based out of Thighland. In his free time he eats fried chicken, and runs street teams to promote the greatness of David Fincher’s Zodiac, and the greatness of the Zardoz trailer.

Where to watch Zardoz