On Sex. To my Children
On Sex. To my Children
Your being human, has all kinds of sides to it. For instance, it has a intellectual and a physical side to it. You have a thinking brain that accounts for the intellectual side and you have a body that can move that gives your life a physical side. Some of us have depth to certain aspects of our being human. That means that some has for instance superior intellectual or physical abilities to others. Some can think thoughts and do math others cannot just as some could jump further and run faster than others. There is also the somewhat mysterious aspect of desire that comes into play. Some like physical activity or intellectual engagement more than others and accordingly seek it out more than others. Desire is just as often related to ability than it is not. Sometimes people do something in great quantities because they are good at it and therefore loves it and sometimes people love and do something even though they do not have a superior ability or talent for something. All good.
Your being human then, also has a sexual aspect to it. Just like the intellectual, physical cultural and other aspects, we think of it faith wise as a gift from God. Your brain thinks up sexual thoughts. Your body responds sexually through stimuli, visual, sensual or cognitive ones. You have reproductive organs filled with nerve endings that are sensitive to touch and capable of filling up its capillaries with blood fast. You are sexually attracted by a certain kind of male or female body. You were genetically dealt with a certain amount of sexual abilities that differ from person to person. Desire seems to play an extra big role when it comes to the sexual aspects of you being human. Sexual desire is often referred to as drive and some have a huge drive where others experience less of a desire when it comes to sex. Peoples sex drives involuntary plays some role in boundaries between to people. You should attempt to get clarity on your desires and boundaries when it comes to sex and healthy sexual engagement with anther person will always require at least some idea of another person’s sexual desires and boundaries. To be totally oblivious to these aspects in yourself or others and partake in sex anyway, is a recipe for unnecessary misunderstanding, relational and emotional scarring and an unsatisfying sex life. Get to know yourself (and people you fall in love with) sexually and otherwise.
Sex is never just sex. This aspect of your human experience is like all other aspects connected to other parts of you being human. Sex is for instance related to emotional well being and to physical health. Disregard this fact and you will harm yourself sexually, emotionally and physically. Herpes is no joke, to name but one example. Don’t separate sex. You never just have sex, not even when you masturbate. You engage emotionally, physically and intellectually when you have sex. It is sad to see a steroid loaded muscular Gym junky who is unbalanced. It is also sad to see an academic bookworm who knows life only through theoretical knowledge. It is just as sad to see a person that know and engages one-sidedly sexually with people and life. But it is inspiring to see an integrated, balanced person. Strive to be that more than you strive to get laid.
I also want to remind you of the obvious fact that sex can potentially create life. To do that is a huge responsibility, one you want to be emotionally, relationally and financially prepared for. It is funny how people can forget that in the heat of sexual arousal. Some of them pay a very high price for this for as long as they live. Sometimes the life that is created pays that price and that is bitterly unfair.
I also want to tell you that sex is wonderful. It is not only physically enjoyable but mysteriously exciting. It transcends time and exhilarates the heart. It is wonderful in a very fragile and vulnerable way. I mean by that that its wonderfulness can easily be killed of be relational turmoil, routine, busy schedules, unwise decisions. Sex calls on you to handle it carefully if you want to guard its wonderfulness. If you don’t, this gift can turn on you and hurt you as much as it can bless you.
As wonderful as sex is, it is something you can live with out. People don’t have sex all the time and don’t die. Some don’t have sex because they don’t find a partner willing, other because of medical conditions and some sacrifice sex on the altar of devotion to things they judge to be more valuable. So please never think you are in a situation where you should have sex at all costs. Sex, wonderful as it is, is just not that important. Although you can live without sex, you cannot live without love. It is ok not to give someone sex, but if you do, make sure you do still give that person love in the form of respect, dignity or even a smile. Never demand sex but never settle for a situation where a person does not love and cherish you as you love and cherish them (or at least try hard to).
My children, I think many will criticize my sexual advice to you. It remains difficult and tricky to dispense sexual advice to younger people because no older person feels that they have figured out and mastered sex perfectly themselves. I think some would urge me to be more concrete and advise you on details such as at what age to kiss, what “too far” is for you and other practical matters. To me that would be to take up a responsibility you have on my shoulders and my own is barely bearable, so I have no interest in doing that. What I can do, is declare myself willing to conversate with you about the sexual aspects of your life, if you have a need to. For some reason we discuss sexual matters less openly and willingly than we do other aspects of our human experience. I think it harms and robs us not to talk about sex.
May God guide you in your sexual conduct and decisions. May He bless the sexual aspect of your human experience and guide you as to how to integrate it with the other aspects.
Love
Your father, pastor, substitute dad and fellow adventurer
Gabriel
January 23rd 2019